THE WEIGHT IN WAITING

There is so much waiting in this process. Waiting for results. Waiting for diagnosis. Waiting for surgery. Waking for treatment. Waiting to fall asleep. Waiting to wake up from this nightmare. 

There are many temptations that come in waiting. The temptation to be angry. The temptation to not want to fight for your life. The temptation to ignore all of this and just go live your life. I didn’t feel any pain. In fact, if I had not been responsible by getting my mammogram, I would have never known I had cancer. So I’m not in pain so forget about all this talk of surgery, chemo, radiation. I’ll just come back later and deal with all of this. But what if later is too late. What if I wait…and end up giving myself a death sentence, we all our going to die any way right?? But was I really ready to go now…or sooner  I was supposed to later.  Let me take a brief pause and say, I am not suicidal. I m just sharing real thoughts in real time. I have fought for everything I own, everything I have accomplished, and everything I have become. Sometimes people just get tired of…fighting.

The wait begins to feel like a WEIGHT.  The situation along with the thoughts and emotions just began to feel so heavy. A weight that I can’t seem to carry. It is in these moments that my faith reminds me in my weakness that His strength is made perfect. I believe God’s strength is always perfect - For me, this scripture teaches me that I have to give Him access to my situation. I have to admit that I can’t do this without Him and that is when He graciously and WILLINGLY removes the WEIGHT. The situation may not change, but now I am not carrying parts that God never intended for me to carry. I can’t speak for others, but I like to be able to handle and even control things. When something is going wrong, I will fix it but there are some things I can’t fix and was never intended to fix. So I will let God be God in my life. With all that I have going on I don’t need to try to do his job too. Lol

Have I accomplished all that I DREAMED? Have I done all that  I am supposed to do? I can’t honestly say that I have.  There are more books to write, there were more places to travel to. There was still interesting people I need to meet and learn from. There are still foods  I want to cook and taste and memories I want to make. My mom …who is going to take care of my baby? Sure, I have other siblings but I felt like that’s was my job. Yes, she is all of our mother, but Im the baby so she’s mine…more. lol  I can’t leave her. I can’t give up on her. 

My siblings - who would be here to boss them around. lol they need me. Sure, they are older and have been  adults for a very long time but their life would be so boring without me.  I don’t think I want too much out of life. I just want a  full life, (perspective)  and if I didn’t fight and do all that I could do to beat this diagnoses, that meant I was giving up on ME and that is something that I couldn’t let happen.

Choosing to fight, is not just one decision, it is a continuous decision. Just like being married is more than the wedding day. Saying “I do “may have been the big moment at a ceremony where two become one The decision to the commitment began when he decided to propose and she decided to say yes. The only way the commitment continues is waking up everyday to say that same YES to each other, to the love, to the vows, the the difficulties and the differences, to the work,  to the family, and to God.

I decided to make a vow to myself that for better or worse, in sickness and health unto my death I would fight for my life. EVERYDAY of my life. How is now any different that before the mammogram, before the diagnosis? The difference is there is not a theory that that there are things in life trying to kill me. I am having an up close and very personal encounter with something trying to take me out. It came quietly. It came unexpected.  It  came with a vengeance but I caught it and I  refuse to let it win.

The wait Perspective. It is not about waiting for something to happen, it is about equipping yourself for the next. I went from being very active working everyday. To being isolated in the house, almost like a covid remix.  Before the surgery and after I had to limit my exposure to others so I didn’t get sick or get infection, coming up on chemo my immune system is going to be compromised, so I have to stay isolated or properly covered when I do go out.  I’m not just waiting for cancer to go away. I am being equipped to be a healthier version for my next.  I know I will be better, not just because the cancer will be gone and the treatments will have worked, but because I will work on preserving my mind and knowing how to limit the weight in my wait.

I feel like a 24 hour patient. The reality of fighting cancer doesn’t seem to be something that I can turn off right now. Maybe it is because of all the appointments I have, treatments I have, medications I have, and every other commercial and tv show is talking about cancer. - I am consumed. So when I am tried of feeling like a patient, I exercise my PATIENCE.

Waiting may feel like war- but I know that if I weight in the right way I will win. 

A special thank you for all of those that have given to support me on my wellness journey while I am off work FIGHTING for my life! So many of you just shared my story and people that I may never meet have given, prayed, and sent words of encouragement. All of this collective is why I will never lose hope. May God Bless you all for all that you have done and given to help lighten the weight! You are truly my Earth Angels!!

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