Random thought: Puberty was weird! We were children but we were morphing into our adult settings. Our bodies were changing, hormones were all over the place, boys’ voices changed, girls’ emotions changed every 5 minutes. It was this weird tug of war between adolescence and adulthood. It is a wonder that we made our way through it without our parents locking us in our rooms forever. Lol
For those that are parents or that work with children during that stage, you try to demonstrate patience and understanding because it is a natural part of life. You just try to help the young person navigate through it in the healthiest way possible. As the young person, there is frustration with yourself, but mostly with everyone else. Lol They don’t realize until after it is over all that they were really going through, because they are really going THROUGH IT. There are so many changes happening all at the same time . “Normal” one day and then completely different the next.
Guess what..That is exactly what fighting cancer feels like! One day I was “normal” and then all of a sudden so much was changing about me all at the same time. My physical body is changing. My emotions change every 5 minutes and I don’t really realize all thatI am going through because I am GOING THROUGH! Some days, I wake up wondering why someone hasn’t’t locked me in a room. Lbvs.
It’s currently 3:00am and I am lying on the floor writing this. Why am I on the floor you may wonder? Well, my very comfortable bed wasn’t comfortable anymore. The past several nights I pulled all my bedding on the floor and have slept on the floor and I told myself…that’s ok! This is my home. I can sleep wherever I want. Sure, the bed is ideal but let me tell you the comfort I am experiencing on the floor right now is worth throwing ideal out the window. Being on the floor reminds me of when I built forts as a child or had sleepovers with cousins or friends. The innocence and adventure of it all. We lose a lot of that as adults because…..LIFE! I talk about that a lot in my books; how adulthood totally ruins childhood. Lol
In the necessity to “grow up” we often do it at the sacrifice of losing the best parts of us. I call it the little girl or little boy inside of us. Our compass, our essence, our core, our root of who we are. That is the part of us that is curious, creative, inquisitive, adventurous, free is buried under the responsibilities of life and the limitations of our adult schedules.
Being on this journey for now 6 months, has in a strange way made me feel frozen in time. I feel like everyone else is going on with life, doing amazing things, having lots of fun, making beautiful memories. Don’t get me wrong I know that is not everyone and that is not there everyday, but fighting cancer makes you fee “stuck” in a way. I often feel like a 24 hour patient. When you are not working and your only schedule includes doctor appointments, hospital visits, treatment days, and recovery days, you start to have a warped sense of reality. Perspective.
While camping out on the floor, I've been watching old movies like Revenge of the Nerds, Brewsters Millions, Police Academy, The Goonies, and even The Breakfast Club.
Talk about going back in time. It has been entertaining to see how much movies/production has changed. At the same time, it is exciting how movies from my youth bring me the same amount of joy (if not more) over 30 years later! Let me add another childhood classic to the mix, I have been enjoying apple juice while I watching these classics. Apple juice is my all time favorite juice. I will have to tell you all a funny story about apple juice one day, but this blog is already all over the place so I will wait. Lol
Enjoying my favorite childhood drink and movies has made me realize how the difference has made the difference for me. This is a very unorthodox time for me so trying to carry on like “normal” is almost crazy. I have had to give myself permission to do things different. I know our mature, disciplined adult lives have required us to have routines, schedules, order and things that make sense. But it has been the unpredictable, altered, slightly chaotic things that are helping me through.
I realize that as a society we put so much emphasis on being strong that we create a false narrative. Maybe the perspective needs to be, “BE HONEST”. Don’t get me wrong strength is necessary and has its place in life. But if I am not feeling strong or if I am literally not strong, is something wrong with me? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! Being honest allows me to say boldly I am not strong right now…in fact I AM WEAK! One of my favorite scriptures is 2Corinthians 12:9. I have a story about this scripture…but like the apple juice I will share it at another time. Lol
I am going to share the scripture it in three ways so you can see the beauty in the similarities and the differences in the translations:
KING JAMES VERSION:
NEW LIVING TRANSLATION:
AMPLIFIED BIBLE:
..but He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you [My lovingkindness and My mercy are more than enough—always available—regardless of the situation]; for [My] power is being perfected [and is completed and shows itself most effectively] in [your] weakness.” Therefore, I will all the more gladly boast in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ [may completely enfold me and] may dwell in me.
There is much power in words and THE WORD. Yes, God is always perfect but I actually get to witness it, see, it, experience it when I admit I am weak!!! That’s like hearing about Chicago food but then actually being able to taste it!THERE IS NO COMPARISON!!!
I WANT TO TASTE IT….EXPERIENCE IT!!!! TASTE AND SEE!!
So, strong friends of the world this is for you, change your to HONEST FRIEND. Social media always reminds us to check on the "strong friends". There would be no need for reminders if they were just honest. STRONG FRIENDS can be strong , but they can also be TIRED, FRUSTRATED, FEELING DEFEATED, LONLEY, SAD, INSECURE, EMOTIONAL, SICK, SCARED, IRRITATED, ENRAGED, BROKEN, AND WEAK! There is so much beauty in those spaces. Let’s normalize honesty which is the strength. God wants to do more in our lives in unorthodox ways, but we keep limiting the miracles that could happen in our lives because we think our healing, deliverance, and strength should come a certain way.
Did I want cancer? ABSOLUTELY NOT! NO PARTS OF IT!! However, if there is something that God needed to get to me that only could come this way, than bring it! Because who knows me better than me? The one who created me! I don’t know all that I am capable of. I don’t know all I can handle, but my MAKER DOES. So, as I continue to camp out on this floor and keep trying to figure it out, I find a new peace in the difference. I am recognizing that different times requires different measures. When you want something new you must do something different.
You are being strong in your honesty!!!
I love this, Jaime!
Amen 🙏🏽 and Amen!!! Jamie this is a word🙌🏽🙌🏽Thank you for keeping it Real, being Honest , sharing your truth and journey with us. Love you much and continual prayers for you.🌹🌹
I love that….BE HONEST!! I am glad you’re giving yourself permission to be honest, I’m glad you’re giving yourself permission to simply lay on the floor and enjoy apple juice and old movies. In my opinion the strength comes in your honesty. Strength comes in trusting God completely in your weakness 🙏🏾 I’m so proud of you, this was so eloquently put! Love you🫶🏾❤️