FEELINGS....FIGHTING

"How are you feeling?" The most consistent thing that I am asked. Here is the thing - It Is the hardest question for me to answer. I never know how to respond. As a positivity princess I would love to say every time "OK and getting better," but I pride myself on being honest.

If I didn’t want to give voice to negativity, I would say, "Like crap. Horrible. The worse I have ever felt. Like I have been hit by a train. Like poop. Disgusting. Ugly. Miserable. Depressed. Frustrated. Lonely. Sad. Mad." Yes, all as one long response. My conscious thoughts and how I physically feel are so intertwined I can’t tell one from the other. I told my mother one day, I feel as if my body is betraying me. It is like a domino effect in the worse way. Everything from the literally hairs on your head to your toe nails, everything feels as if they don’t belong to you. They hurt, are uncomfortable and honestly feel out of place. I guess that is part of the reason my hair is falling out. I know it is from the medicines and how it aggressively attacks any rapidly multiplying cells in my body in search of any cancer cells, and my hair is just a “casualty of war”.  And a war it definitely is!  

Upon my diagnosis, l began reading a lot! I didn’t just read about the disease and the potential physically changes. I read a lot about the emotional and psychological changes that women go through. I read the random google finds. I read the certified medical journals. I even joined social media groups to get testimonies in real time. I was reading words and seeing pictures of something that happed to someone one, one day. I was seeing what happed to “Melissa”TODAY!!! Seeing the graphic pictures, literally feeling the pain in their emotional word and vulnerabilities.  I read a lot to prepare myself for the road ahead - what I should expect and even without all of that information, I was not prepared when it hit me. Did I think I was exempt? Did I think because I love Jesus that I would be skipped? Did I think I was special? YEP! HOPEFULLY YEP! AND DEFINITELY YEP!  Well now that  I was wrong on all accounts, what was I going to do? Was I going to allow my motions to continue to aggressively drag me to a place of despair where it could make my experience worse than it already was or potentially to a place of no return? Absolutely NOT!!!! I REFUSE!!!! Cancer was already taking so much away from me, I surely was not going to willingly give up my joy or my life.

“FEEL LIKE FIGHTING” - NO, I didn’t feel like it - but I had to fight until I felt like it!

The beauty of being a former athlete is it gives you great memories and body recall. Muscle memory. I have been in a losing tennis match and came back and won. I have fallen or gotten hit HARD by a ball and got up, dusted myself off and kept playing. This is exactly what I have to do now. Even out side of sports, I have done a lot of hard things:

1. Worked with people I didn’t like

2. Went to work when I didn’t want to

3. Watch my Daddy take his last breath

4. Buried all of my Grandparents and Godfather 

5. Watch my mother cry - and couldn’t fix it

6. Loved and not been chosen in returned

7. Choosing to live when I made plans to die

8. Moved away from the only place I knew to be home

9. Danced alone on the dance floor (that actually wasn’t too hard - it was a lot of fun)

10. Been in a car accident

11. Had 3 major surges within a year and a half

12. Kept breathing doing an asthma attack

13. Listened when I wanted to speak

14. Admitted when I was wrong

15. Wrote 5 books

16. Stood up for myself

17. Spoke my truth to people committed to not listening to me

18. Made a decision about what to eat

19. Started a radio show

20. Quit a job where I was being mistreated, without having another job secured

21. Exercised when I was sleepy

22. Deciding not to respond

23. Folded my laundry and put it away

24. Being kind to someone who was intentionally being mean to me

Now, these are not the only hard things I had to do. Half of my list was really hard. The other half, was hard but made me smile before and after I did it. Hard things come in many forms. Just because they are hard doesn’t mean you can’t do them, or that you won’t get joy from them.  Some hard things will stay with you forever. All hard things will make you stronger.  To add “FEEL LIKE FIGHTING” to my list of hard things was not only something I needed to do, I WANTED TO DO!  I said from the moment of my diagnosis, cancer was not going to have the last word and I MEAN THAT!!!

When people ask me how I am feeling moving forward,  I still may not know what to say. I will be honest about how I am feeling in the present moment, but I will always end it with,

"But I AM STILL FIGHTING. Just by adding that helps to shift my emotions.  This is also a real life example of why the movie  INSIDE OUT and INSIDE OUT 2 was such major blockbuster hits and popular for kids and adults - because it is true!!! Processing emotions is a journey for a lifetime. How we experience our emotions can be a very unpredictable. We are ever evolving beings and how something hits us at one stage of our life, maybe completely different at another stage of our lives. 

During any research on emotions, many articles and authors will mention Psychologist Robert Plutchik. He created the “wheel of emotions”.  Visually it looks like a color wheel that shows colors that compliment or contrast. The wheel of emotions works in a synonymous way. As a self reflection enthusiast, I really like the  wheel of emotion. It helps me to more accurately identify my emotions and see how they are displayed. By looking at the wheel of emotions, it allows me to not only see where I am, but also where I want to be. Sometimes it is a small move. Other times where I want to be seems so far from where I am., but it gives me something to SEE and work towards. 

On this particular journey, I have become very clear what I can do by myself and what I can’t. With that clarity, I know that I need to go to counseling. I know the power and importance of mental health all the time - and even more so when you are fighting a disease, because it truly causes so much dis-ease.    There is a purpose in pain. Pain is letting you know that something is wrong. Pain is informing you that something needs time and attention. Pain lets you know that something needs healing. My emotions are not wrong…they are my truth in any moment…but how I express my emotions is key. I never want it to cause more pain for myself or for anyone else. There is a season to be a caterpillar. There is a season to be a butterfly. Yet, the change from one to the other requires cocooning.   Going inside to allow the metamorphosis to occur.

I will soar once more, but while I work on my healing I will also work through my feelings.