Does breast cancer in your family? Is there a history of breast cancer on either side of your family? These went from being questions to help treat, to questions of torment in which side of m6 blood line I could blame for this. This..DIS-EASE. Imagine the joke being on me when the genetic testing came back and there were no indicators or genetic markers of it being hereditary. Sigh of relief. Well if I didn’t get this from mom or dad….where did I get this from?
I asked myself what if the genetic testing would have come back saying it did come from either one or both sides of my family, then what? How would that change anything for me. Maybe it would have given my medical team some additional insight on knowing how to treat or diagnosis, maybe even get better percentages for my survival rate, but what would it do for me?
It made me think about how it is so easy to get defensive when we think that someone else did something to us. But let Let’s say, for hypothetical purposes, that I did this to me. Yes, this is breast cancer and not lung cancer so it is not so easily to pinpoint life habits like it would be for cigarettes to lung cancer, but for illustration purposes, we will say it is. Would I have been just as quick to be defensive to me about me? Welcome to the blame game.
I want to present that in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter. Meaning, if momma side carried it, daddy side delivered it, or if I caused it…the point is IT IS HERE NOW AND WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT IT.
It tends to feel like it would be Essie to ave someone or something to direct our anger act, but I’m learning that is waisted energy. Take that energy and focus and deal with the DIS-EASE. It is here now, it isn’t something I can rewind time, and dodge. Now, once I get rid of it, I can do all that I can to prevent reoccurrence, but we are not there YET. Until then I will deal what is in front of me.
Blame can be a tricky thing. Yes, it is about accountability and placing proper punishment, i.e. committing a crime. But in regards to fighting breast cancer, it would serve me no purpose. I had to redirect my energy. My medical team took many years to learn the information that i needed to learn and vividly understand in days. Yes, I trusted my medical tam, and yes, I trust God even more. That does not negate the fact that it is my responsibility to know what was happening to my body and what treatment plans they were considering. How can you make the best decision if you don’t consider the potential options?
Immersing myself into this vast world of information caused great emotional conflict. On one level, I love reading and learning new things. Having worked in the emergency room for three years ( non clinical) I had a first hand experience of seeing people in their most vulnerable states as it relates to their health. Working during a pandemic intensified the situation. The longer I worked there, the more I could identify certain issues and diseases on a very surface level. But it made me proud, because I was learning, and in some cases able to prevent a case from getting worse, because I was able to identify and call clinical team to rapidly respond.
On the other hand, now learning this information was overwhelming, because I now I was the patient. The information I was reading was applying to ME! I was trying to pay attention to signs and symptoms to save other people lives, but now the signs and symptoms, I had to pay attention to, would be saving my own. I thought I always lived very aware, that the next moment is not promised to us, but I can honestly say that this diagnosis made me very aware of not just the length of my life, but the quality of my life.
The finger pointing could not be at anyone now, now was the time for me to truly do some introspection about what I wanted my life to be, what I wanted it to look like. I am very appreciative of the life that I have and the blessings that I get to enjoy like: having a home, car, people that care about me, the ability to walk and talk, and for healthy food, and advancements in technology and modern medicine. I needed to know reevaluate how I was moving in my life. I recognized that I had fallen into the trap of working towards the “next thing” that I was not giving proper time or attention to the current things.
There is not time for me to get caught up in the trap of the blame game. If I was looking to hold someone accountable - well it would be ME! I will hold myself accountable to taking care of myself NOW to the best of my ability - because more than ever before NOW IS ALL I HAVE.
Thank you for sharing your heart with us as you go through this healing journey. The works of God are being displayed in you! PRAYING FOR YOU!!
As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.
John 9:1-3 NIV